To woo me, he gifted me a pocket knife
The virtual dating gifts that I do not understand
Writer’s note: This post was first published on Medium’s “Tickled” on September 12, 2020 and will now be permanently housed on Substack’s new “Tickled” column.
Online dating sites have been my home away from home for the past month. In mid-August, I’d joined 17 dating sites and remembered why I used to love watching MTV’s “Catfish.” After writing more than a handful of “Perfect Dating” posts (with seven more pending publication), I’m buried and snooping around at least 30. After a while, they’re all a bit monotonous — but with occasionally interesting profiles. However, I lucked up on the most amazing one of them all recently — Single Parents Meet. Voluntarily childless and without a shred of motherly instincts, I did not expect this to be my favorite dating site. But it is.
Is it for the men? No, but there are some attractive ones on the site. Is it for the prices? No, but they’re reasonable. Is it for the relentless way they forced me to be “invisible” until I add a photograph? No, but as a former OkCupid moderator, I respect their digital gangsta for policing creepers like me. Single Parents Meet is my favorite site because of one thing though: tokens for virtual gifts. Sure, you can give other users (uncreative) gifts like bouquets of roses, single roses, necklaces and teddy bears. Or, maybe you can show you’re hardcore at your partner’s Receiving Gifts Love Language by gifting him or her with a watch or golf clubs. But whatevs, who cares about those gifts?
I don’t want to meet the users who gift people with the same kinds of gifts I’ve seen all of my life. The two users I want to know more about are the ones who are strange enough to buy the last two token gifts — video game controllers (30 tokens) or a pocket knife (15 tokens). You’ve got to be top-notch King of Romance Darius Lovehall to proudly buy these gifts for someone. Skip the John Coltrane and Duke Ellington’s “In a Sentimental Mood” music; go straight for the video games and weapons to get to second base!