We can get married, but you can’t live here
Pretty good chance I’ll be “Ms.” forever — cause I don’t like you like that
Writer’s note: This post was first published on Medium’s “Tickled” on October 19, 2020 and will now be permanently housed on Substack’s new “Tickled” column.
I was Today Years Old when I found out that I may have more in common with Desus from “Desus & Mero” than expected. I don’t always agree with the man, but I love their Showtime show and binge-watched all past episodes on Viceland. Other than their mutual love for dogs, I watch the show to laugh hysterically instead of bond with them. But when I opened up their book “God-Level Knowledge Darts: Life Lessons from the Bronx” and got to the relationship chapter, that was my first dap*-through-the-book moment when it came to bachelor-life Desus.
First bit of advice from Desus, “Rather than tell you what you should look for in a partner, here’s a quick list of who you shouldn’t look for … 2. People who don’t pet dogs when presented with the opportunity.”
BARS! (I think my position on dogs has been pretty well-documented here.)
Further “God-level knowledge” from Desus: “What’s the best way to find a partner? Again, I’m probably the wrong guy for this because I usually go solo — to ball games, movies, bars, etc. Partners = people who slow me down.”
I cannot begin to count the number of times I’ve had to explain this to people who wonder why I purposely have not told family members, friends and even (now ex-)boyfriends I was going on vacation until the week of. If you’re a loner, you fully understand how enjoyable it is to do everything on your own watch and not have to wait on anyone. (There are a handful of people who I love being in the company of. I’m dating none of these people though and still check their temperatures when I’m within a six-foot distance of them due to COVID-19.)
Steve Harvey, Tyrese, Rev Run and all the rest of these brothas can write their relationship books, but “God-Level Knowledge Darts” may be the most on point for extroverted introverts like me — who have never even humored the idea of wedding planning. Like birthdays (meaning it happens about once a year), someone new who knows me will ask me the same question I’ve been asked through my 20s and now in my 30s: “When are you going to get married?” My response (in 2020, it was last week) is always the same, “I don’t mind getting married. But he can’t live here.”